Verdict Is? - (Part 3)

Today marks 4 months since my Beautiful July mother went to be with God. Every month since she has been gone, the exact time and day she left us tends to haunt me. 
This one day out of the month has gotten harder to accept. The whole grieving process gets harder and I can't complete that sentence with "before it gets better"... I can only hope and pray that this life I am now living gets better, with time.

In moms first appointment we waited on the doctor which seemed like it was hours. When she entered she discussed a few basics, which to us were irrelevant.. please just tell us if you can help her.... Soon she started talking "doctor talk" and it sounded good...

Hold that thought as I have to talk about one thing. I have learned more and more lately I am so much like my mom than I could have ever imagined. I have found old love letters she wrote my dad and we talk/write just alike, I have found pictures that I find myself in her (not just in my dad like I am always told) and I come across things she did at the house and it hits me, I am my mothers child (yes I am daddy's little girl and he and I are thick as thieves but I have my mother in me and it's one thing that makes me smile lately)... she didn't tell me "you act just like me" or "you sound like me" OR "don't do that, I did and I wished I hadn't"... no she didn't tell me what to do, she was an amazing mom for that. She simply let me make my mistakes and learn for myself. I just wish I knew I got this and that from her before she left me, but part of me thinks she is looking down on me and saying "it's true, and you  had to discover it on your own"

I was about to ask the doctor "so what does that mean" but low and behold my mom interrupts and asks the doctor "So am I going to live, do you have hope for me?" (hearing your parent ask that question is not one that you should ever have to hear, it puts reality in your face and scares you).

The doctor said your case is very promising and I have hope, if I didn't have hope then I wouldn't be doing this for a living. My job is to cure you and I have seen cases similar to yours and I have all the hope that we can get this.
And just like that we all took a deep breath. 

She said that mom was even a candidate for surgery to remove this. From my research about less than 10% of candidates with this cancer are surgical. Also to be a surgical candidate is the only way to be cured of this beast. Otherwise you live with this beast for the rest of your life but M.D. Anderson can stabilize it and give you your life back. So after all of the research I did I started asking all of these questions, while the doc looked at Blondie like how do you know to ask that?... The major question was "what stage does she fall in".. the doctor said "well, she barely makes it but she is stage 2". From that point is when I felt relief, I had enough confirmation that my mom was going to be healed with God and this wonderful facility. You see no one ever ranks in stage 1 or 2 (rarely). Bile Duct Cancer is called the deadliest cancer because you show no signs or symptoms and by the time you realize you have it, you are too far gone for help. Luckily mom caught hers on a routine checkup.
Then the doctor says she wants to send us home to do chemo just to get any outliers and be thorough and then see her back and possibly do surgery. This was great news. Well... chemo, not ideal but we will take it.

Mom did chemo at UAB and that meant the WHOLE family stayed with me in my 2 bedroom, 1 bath apartment (along with the 4 dogs). Do you feel cramped by that statement? Well it got cramped, but we managed. I set up my guest room just for mom and dad and my sister and brother in law took my bedroom and I took the couch. A family that loves can do whatever it takes. However it came to a point where dad and my bro in law had to go back to take care of things at home. So we or shall I say they alternated. Mostly it was me and my sister with her. I would go to work, they would go to chemo, I would have amazing friends bring dinner to us, whom I am forever grateful for.

AND THEN chemo starts to work and it isn't pretty. We spent several nights rushing to the ER which then led to a week long hospital stay. Her main issue with chemo was nausea. We could not stop it. No medicine could stop it and that led to her being afraid to eat which led us to the hospital just for fluids one time, and I had to watch my mom get strapped into a stretcher for the ambulance to go to the main campus at UAB. Following an ambulance with your mom in it (at this point I had just turned 30). Following an ambulance with a loved one in it and they won't let u ride is HARD!
So we got in the routine of chemo. She would come up every 2 weeks for one day of chemo, but she rarely went home. As I just said, when it started working, it landed us in the ER about the 3rd day after chemo and she was never really able to go home much because she was so sick.
I vividly remember my sister and I making 2 trips just us, which I must say was hard. One was for mom being so sick and of course it was the weekend so we had to go to UAB ER, that was an interesting night. Its even harder sitting next to your mom who feels so bad. But I knew how to pack a bag quickly by now, I knew what she would need and I as well packed for me or my sister and we would take 2 cars. This particular night we went in at 7 pm and she got a room at 2 am. I am not exagerating. So after I saw she was in a room getting help FINALLY, then I went home and got a few hours of sleep and went to work and after work went to swap out with my sister so she could get some rest. It ended up being us swaping out every other night, I would even shower there and go to work which was so close. 

The by far scariest call at this moment of our journey came from my sister crying, just us sisters had to endure this together. Mom had a blockage and needed stints asap, which meant surgery. So I left work and I ran from my office to the hospital. Forget the car and parking. I could get to them quicker by running and by knowing exactly where to go. I was afraid but I couldn't have my sister by herself in the waiting room, so I just took off.

I still hate that my last year I never gave up my job and instead spent it with my mom the whole time and also so my sister wouldn't feel so burdened as if she was the only nurse for mom, BUT God has his ways and his plans and mom would not let me quit my job because after all we just knew she was going to be cured. 

So seeing that we couldn't do this just us two then my dad came to the rescue. 

See you have to understand, my dad has a degree in nursing from UAB (shocked.??.. I know I am sure you are if you didn't know that). He had a hard time seeing her so sick and it made him so sad because, his words "I can't fix her". I can't tell you how hard it was hearing that, it broke my heart. He was carrying a heavy burden that we didn't know about but he came to the rescue and his nursing skills were put to use....

And let's just say chemo was horrible, my mom told me she was ready to go be with God and I had to fight through tears so she wouldn't see me cry and to tell her "I still need you, I'm not done growing up". 

There will be more ugly and sad posts like this but this was a hard one to relive. And I'm fortunate to get it out of me to tell you, because the grief is not gone by far. As I stated posts ago I am not living any sort of ideal life. But it's my story to tell that God gave me and I feel I must do something with it. 

 

I'm so glad your not in pain anymore My Beautiful July 7, I miss you everyday!

With Love,

HH

Houston We Have a Problem! (Part 2)

My post title..  I take what I went through seriously but on a few days the sun shines in when you least expect it and I have surreal clarity and... well, we really did have a problem that only Houston could help us with.

The world works in mysterious ways. When mom said she would go to Houston I was overwhelmed with gratefulness that she will start fighting the beast in her and yet felt anxious at the same time.
I started thinking "How do I get her in now that I have shown her some light at the end of this dark scary tunnel".."Have I just gotten my moms hopes up for nothing".
Blondie over here had not thought out the WHOLE process, I was only focused on finding the right place to send her. However my awesome dad and all of his many connections knew someone's daughter out there that was a doctor, so she was able to get us into the admissions door.
However another catch was the Gastrointestinal Medical Oncology unit only  took certain cases. MD Anderson is such an honest facility that they will decline your request for treatment if they can not help you. They aren't after your money. They exsist because they want to improve with each patient and they want the survival rates to increase.

So they never said they would take mom's case they first said send us your scans and we will go from there... what a long wait that was. Mom and the family had to come stay with me in Birmingham and have her scans done and get all of her records so that UAB could send them out to MD Anderson. Those days were scary. I am impatient. So what do I do... I call Patty from Illinois, pleading for her help and telling her I am just a girl from Alabama that wants to get her mom the best help. I was lucky she put her number on her blog. Soon after I left that message, I received a phone call from an amazing lady that I would like to just about call family. She gave me instructions and she said she would reach out to her doctor personally for us. Then she said take a breath. You just hopped on the worst roller coaster ride but I will be here for you as you endure peaks and valleys. From then on we have talked. I am still waiting to go see her one day soon. Mom even got to meet her because they had appointments at the same time. So little ole me set up a playdate! Mom felt blessed to know she wasn't alone. That her beast also lived inside of this lady she was hugging.


When the phone call came.. it brought relief. They accepted moms case. I was ecstatic. They came to Birmingham to do scans but also  packed ready for Houston because mom knew God would guide her path there. She was so right. Although it was like waiting for a baby to be born, we didn't know how long it would take to get and appointment. But God answered our prayers and they flew out that same week.
As I wasn't able to take off of work to go immediately, I found that I was ok with that because she just had lab work to do each day before the doctors appointment. So I took off for Houston early morning to make that first appointment and I must say it was my first trip to pack all my stuff in just a carry on. I meant business.. get out of my way ppl I am trying to get to my mom and get to her quickly. Plus clothes do not matter but my moms health did.
I got them set up with just the right hotel that they/us ended up staying at everytime. The staff all became so close to mom.

(Landed in Houston, First thing they saw- Mom ready to get there- Mom loved her basket robins)

I arrived to see shock and relief on my moms face that I was actually there. That I came to be with her. And she held onto me for a long long time. As she didn't sleep because of her nerves and neither did I. So we layed down together as the rest of the family awoke to begin our journey at MD Anderson.

Just wish she could hold me now! Even at 31 I want and wish my mom would hold onto me just a little while.

Love to you All!

HH

Did I mention my dad may or may have not stolen/borrowed a CVS buggy to walk back to the hotel with.. because he likes life the easy way.

Also look at these 2 sweet men waiting on lab work appointments. MD Anderson is quite awesome!!

Why the name? (PART 1)

With no stoned unturned... Let the journey begin...
Deciding on what to call my blog was a quick process. It hasn't been in the past when I wanted to start my "beauty blog", so I truly think God was holding out on me, and telling me 'wait you will have a better story to tell, have patience'.

This is true I have a better story to tell than talk about any and all beauty products. This story is far beyond what I thought I'd write about but it's my story and I waited and gave God time to let me go through, a no so great journey, but change my life in such ways that I feel it's possible I can help others for the better. If not help them then I can at least help myself by having this journaled for a keepsake.

My Beautiful July

My true inspiration to blog or finally start blogging is because of Patty, I mentioned in my first post.

At the beginning of our journey when mom was diagnosed, June 6th, 2014. Over one week she was told by two hospitals that she had a year to live and ... Well for ME that wasn't good enough. I would take 2 or 3 but not just 1 year. I just told her mom we all have bumps in our road. We fall but we get back up... so we fight and we get on with our lives. We are in this together, we all have cancer, not just you.

So while my family was grieving this news and shut themselves off from the world and went to our lake house. I unfortunately could not be there with them, as I lived 2 hours away and had a job I had to be at. Yet every being in me couldn't allow myself to not experience the pain with them so I started to research (they refused to hear about it or read up on this specific cancer). So with one whole day of scrolling through article after article and getting the same statistic of one year (which began to make me numb and sick because how could this be?) How could this happen to my mom. She is the youngest of 6 and we have never had cancer in our family.

But I kept on just wanting to find a cure, wanting to do my part or atleast try finding my part I have in this journey. Still researching after lunch because honestly how does one work with this open wound bleeding profusely and the only thing that could possibly stop the bleeding is what happens to be at my disposal... the internet. So all the while hoping our case would be different and she wouldn't be that statistic. I came across a blog, pattysjourneyoffaith.blogspot.com, a lady from Illinois that has the same cancer as mom and she has blogged her whole journey almost just about everyday. At that moment in my office I felt joy... she was still alive. I felt God truly controlled my hand as he guided my clicks. Because let me tell you, there is NOTHING out there in all the internet that talks about this cancer in leymens terms. Nothing because it is so rare. SO to fine her blog, was like finding the Holy Grail. I felt like we had a plan now. I felt like everything was going to be alright, I felt for once in my life I had a purpose and it was finding Patty.
Thus being one of the main reasons I wanted to blog as well, to share with anyone and everyone information about Bile Duct Cancer. How we got close but gave out of breath before running through that ribbon at the finish line. I will tell you things I would of done differently. I will always tell you to get into clinical trials. But these things I do not fret upon because God is in control and it was my mothers time. Although it's painfully HARD to accept but what hurts the most is my heart from missing her. I truly know what the definition of having your heart broken feels like and it's nothing compared to what you think it feels like.

After I found Patty, I drove to the lake, put on a happy face and strutted in there and said "Pack your bags... everything really IS bigger in Texas... "We are going to M.D. Anderson." Knowing my family, and seeing it being me doing the research... they were slightly taken back.. as I was too, surely you would of thought the other daughter would of been all over that. But it was me... so I had my proof to back me up. I printed out articles from MDA, proof they were advancing in this cancer. I had Patty's blog pulled up on my ipad, And I may or may not have tried to help her with a certain paste that I read has possibilities to help cancer. This was only if she said no to MDA. Alabama did just pass CBD oil to help epilepsy so I went a little along that path to get my hands on ANYTHING that would stop these tumors from growing.
Did mom think I was crazy... probably.. more so wanting to know where I got it. I will go to any lengths or shall I say I did to try to fix her. And no it is no longer in my possesion.

But I offered what I could and one day later she said ..."Ok I will go".

Part 1- Love to All Reading,

Heather

Monkey Bars

"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars.

You have to let go at some point to move forward."

~ C.S. Lewis

I had a totally different post I had started drafting and I was planning on posting it next ....but like I mentioned in my first post, random things may occur that I feel the need to blog about. While the other will have it's day on my blog, this is on my mind & for a reason.

 

This weekend I took my first step or one could say I took hold of my first monkey bar, back into society.
I attended a beautiful wedding with my father and wonderful friends whom are like family to me, however they were my parents friends that they did mostly everything with. As we rode to the wedding it was ironic yet bittersweet because I had a feeling come over me that I was sitting in for my mother. I am not nor will I ever fill her shoes. I am just fulfulling the other reason I moved home during this journey. The first reason was to be with my mother in her last 2 months and now it's to be with my dad and make sure he is taken care of. 
I will tell you reality hits you when you start getting mail addressed just to your father and yourself. That was a tough one for me to accept. It forced me to see reality before I was ready to see it. That alone is one hard step to process.

 My mother would have been at this gorgeous wedding and I know she was proud of me for taking that step and letting go of the fear of being asked "how are you" by so many. Don't get me wrong I am blessed to have so many wonderful caring people in my life.
Moving home was hard but when you have a night, like I had this weekend, I was reminded that I am surrounded by all of these people whom cared about my mother and whom did for her while she was sick. It truly changed how I view that question when being asked "how are you". Honestly that question has been one that I even question. It's so contradicting because sometimes you want that question. You want to know that you are cared for and that what has happened to you hasn't just gone away but then again you want to run from that question because there is no right answer to it. I am ok one hour and crying hard the next, so it's almost impossible to answer.
However MY BELIEF is that my mom had a lot to do with how I held my composure and how all of these loved ones treated me, while a beautiful wedding was going on. They took time to talk with me and tell me what my mother meant to them, I always love to hear about her. Yet I still kept my composure. Thank You mom for your help.

However with God (& my mother) watching over me they prepared me with a nice surprise. Which made all the difference in the night.
I actually got to see so many wonderful friends that I have missed and thought about. I had no idea they would even be there. 
 

For starters I got to see this angel God sent me when mom was diagnosed. She was my neighbor in Birmingham and also has been through a journey with grief herself. When I lived in Birmingham, she not only let me come over and sit and talk. She prayed for me and text me to check in on me.
And she is still doing so even though I am not her neighbor anymore. She even left me a great book when she was in town, in my mailbox after mom passed that has been so helpful.
She is the definition of having the kindest most genuine soul. To think of me as much as she does is a true blessing. It's nice to have someone to turn to that has been through a similar situation. It's those little things in life that get you through.
 

I Love You A!
 

I am so glad I was able to hug and talk with A, I swear she only wanted to know how I was and we didn't even get a chance to talk about her sweet little one that much.But I forgot to remind you, remember to try and go one size down with the Christmas tree this year! I loved last years but I just remembered last year was a trial run. Oh the things that are fond memories. Seems like yesterday I was smelling Christmas in your house!

Not only was I able to hug her but I got to hug the one and only T-Holc. One of my closest friends I had in Bham. We had such a good group of close friends in Birmingham. He is like family to me and that warmed my heart to turn around and see him.

But just when I thought the night was over, I was reunited with my pledge sisters. They also walked with me through my tough journey. They may have been pregnant and now have beautiful little boys but they sure did keep in touch with our journey and what was going on. I fell into my complete comfort zone when I see these two and I hear "Heath". It's been a while since I've heard that... I don't hear it everyday like I once did.

I LOVE these girls and when I saw them I was in shock and just couldn't believe they were right there. So close to me, so comforting, and so grateful to be graced with their presence. Being in a sorority and having pledge sisters like mine, well they have known me for a long time and their love is still unconditional. We are blessed to all be so close. 

So I took a reach out toward that first monkey bar in moving forward. It will take time to swing on to the next bar... BUT at least I have made some progress and got back out into the world around me and the life that is still going on with or without me. Glad I chose to take that step forward.

Thank you all for a couple of hours a little less painful!

 

Love,

HH

 

What feels like the End is often the Beginning

Hi my name is Heather and this is my FIRST post into the blogging world. Ok so I secretly feel like I just stood up at an AA meeting and said hello to everyone in that sort of fashion. No disrespect to AA attenders but I must applaud you for the courage you have to stand up in a room full of people and tell your story. I may not be doing this face to face in person BUT I am exposing myself to the public for the first time ever while leaving no stone unturned (Good, Bad, & Very Ugly)... AND for the first time speaking out since my mother passed away.
I have been a constant blog follower of so many and wished I could do my own and for a while my friends convinced me I would be great at a blog that tells you about what beauty products work and which ones clearly don't (I have no problem admitting that I will try every new product out there, cheap, expensive... Not just store bought either, those infomercials have gotten me late at night... Malibu Pilates. Thank you Susan Lucci for your amazing persuasion.) I digress.
My reason for finally taking this step and starting a blog is because I found a reason and a place where I belong. If it's just for me to journal, so be it... If I can reach out to ppl and give them tons of knowledge I have acquired by the age of 31 that would be amazing... but if I can just reach one person that would be amazing.

My inspiration:
This is my amazing mother whom went to heaven July 2, 2015. Sometimes you will never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory. Yet their are some our there that know just what I am talking about. She was my mother, my comforter, my inspiration to want more for myself, my caretaker even when I was 28 and sick, but my top 3 most important things she was to me: 1) my encourager to use the talents God gave me in painting 2) To fight till the end and never give up any battle big or small.. which makes her my hero & 3) my teacher, as she taught me more in one year of how to walk a beautiful walk in faith, for that made my walk with God stronger.

My last year of my life has not been anywhere near ideal nor has it turned out to be the life I thought I'd have. That's why it's SO important to me to let everyone know how precious life really

is and no one is invincible. If you still have both of your parents (especially to my friends out there) just love them, that's all my mom wanted and in the end all you have is family anyway. Hug your mom for me because I can't or hug your dad for me, because my close friend whom has been exactly where I am, can't. But then again what am I saying this world revolves around text not physical stuff anymore, so just text them a simple "I love you". You'll look back and be grateful you did. 

My mom carried me for 9 miserably, mostly hot months, as I sat on a nerve that made her itch the whole time. Good things combs were invented because I believe she kept one by her side at all times..... I literally knew her from the inside first. To think I was so close to her actual heart gives me chills. Every mother deserves love for what they do to get you here. And mine... Well she's not supposed to be gone yet. I was only 30. She didn't get to see my major milestones. However I know she will just like I know when we asked God for healing, he gave us that but in a different form than we anticipated.

She is the only reason I get up and go to work. To go back a few steps, I uprooted my life I had for her. I will tell you about Bile Duct Cancer and our journey in another post. And it may take part one all the way to part four to explain what my life has entailed and  how we did all we could to keep her alive. It's a scary journey we took but we met amazing people that played huge roles in our journey and they will forever be apart of our lives. 

Like Patty who is a miracle walking. She has the same cancer and is still thriving years after diagnosis. Can't wait to tell you what this "spitfire" (as she calls me) did.

And then there is Joel a cancer survivor who was moms radiation tech. He kept her laughing and honestly they shared a unique bond that I probably won't ever know all the jokes or statements they made, all that matters is he helped make her treatments easier.

Oh and did I mention my mother set me up on a blind date with him! That's another post to come. He has continued to be part of my inspiration to keep going on with this new life I now have. 

Lastly I will always talk about my amazing sister and how she literally took every step with my mother as I wish I could have. However God's plan was for my sister to be my mothers constant caretaker/nurse which was a blessing. (Love you K)

For now I will end my first post. My blog is not meant to be all about my mom, its meant to be about my life. Some posts may involve my amazing friends and family or about something random on my mind.

But for now I leave you with this... I was going to edit the date out of the pic but I decided it's the best way to show you all the TRUTH in how drastically your life can change in a year.

Oh and those fur babies, besides the one photo bombing it in the back.. (she is mine) and one other not pictured are now mine. 4 dogs...I feel like I officially have one grown child! But I am taking care of them just like my mom asked me too.

I LOVE YOU MOM, My Beautiful July 7!

Love to All reading this!