This one day out of the month has gotten harder to accept. The whole grieving process gets harder and I can't complete that sentence with "before it gets better"... I can only hope and pray that this life I am now living gets better, with time.
In moms first appointment we waited on the doctor which seemed like it was hours. When she entered she discussed a few basics, which to us were irrelevant.. please just tell us if you can help her.... Soon she started talking "doctor talk" and it sounded good...
Hold that thought as I have to talk about one thing. I have learned more and more lately I am so much like my mom than I could have ever imagined. I have found old love letters she wrote my dad and we talk/write just alike, I have found pictures that I find myself in her (not just in my dad like I am always told) and I come across things she did at the house and it hits me, I am my mothers child (yes I am daddy's little girl and he and I are thick as thieves but I have my mother in me and it's one thing that makes me smile lately)... she didn't tell me "you act just like me" or "you sound like me" OR "don't do that, I did and I wished I hadn't"... no she didn't tell me what to do, she was an amazing mom for that. She simply let me make my mistakes and learn for myself. I just wish I knew I got this and that from her before she left me, but part of me thinks she is looking down on me and saying "it's true, and you had to discover it on your own"
I was about to ask the doctor "so what does that mean" but low and behold my mom interrupts and asks the doctor "So am I going to live, do you have hope for me?" (hearing your parent ask that question is not one that you should ever have to hear, it puts reality in your face and scares you).
The doctor said your case is very promising and I have hope, if I didn't have hope then I wouldn't be doing this for a living. My job is to cure you and I have seen cases similar to yours and I have all the hope that we can get this.
And just like that we all took a deep breath.
And just like that we all took a deep breath.
She said that mom was even a candidate for surgery to remove this. From my research about less than 10% of candidates with this cancer are surgical. Also to be a surgical candidate is the only way to be cured of this beast. Otherwise you live with this beast for the rest of your life but M.D. Anderson can stabilize it and give you your life back. So after all of the research I did I started asking all of these questions, while the doc looked at Blondie like how do you know to ask that?... The major question was "what stage does she fall in".. the doctor said "well, she barely makes it but she is stage 2". From that point is when I felt relief, I had enough confirmation that my mom was going to be healed with God and this wonderful facility. You see no one ever ranks in stage 1 or 2 (rarely). Bile Duct Cancer is called the deadliest cancer because you show no signs or symptoms and by the time you realize you have it, you are too far gone for help. Luckily mom caught hers on a routine checkup.
Then the doctor says she wants to send us home to do chemo just to get any outliers and be thorough and then see her back and possibly do surgery. This was great news. Well... chemo, not ideal but we will take it.
Mom did chemo at UAB and that meant the WHOLE family stayed with me in my 2 bedroom, 1 bath apartment (along with the 4 dogs). Do you feel cramped by that statement? Well it got cramped, but we managed. I set up my guest room just for mom and dad and my sister and brother in law took my bedroom and I took the couch. A family that loves can do whatever it takes. However it came to a point where dad and my bro in law had to go back to take care of things at home. So we or shall I say they alternated. Mostly it was me and my sister with her. I would go to work, they would go to chemo, I would have amazing friends bring dinner to us, whom I am forever grateful for.
AND THEN chemo starts to work and it isn't pretty. We spent several nights rushing to the ER which then led to a week long hospital stay. Her main issue with chemo was nausea. We could not stop it. No medicine could stop it and that led to her being afraid to eat which led us to the hospital just for fluids one time, and I had to watch my mom get strapped into a stretcher for the ambulance to go to the main campus at UAB. Following an ambulance with your mom in it (at this point I had just turned 30). Following an ambulance with a loved one in it and they won't let u ride is HARD!
So we got in the routine of chemo. She would come up every 2 weeks for one day of chemo, but she rarely went home. As I just said, when it started working, it landed us in the ER about the 3rd day after chemo and she was never really able to go home much because she was so sick.
I vividly remember my sister and I making 2 trips just us, which I must say was hard. One was for mom being so sick and of course it was the weekend so we had to go to UAB ER, that was an interesting night. Its even harder sitting next to your mom who feels so bad. But I knew how to pack a bag quickly by now, I knew what she would need and I as well packed for me or my sister and we would take 2 cars. This particular night we went in at 7 pm and she got a room at 2 am. I am not exagerating. So after I saw she was in a room getting help FINALLY, then I went home and got a few hours of sleep and went to work and after work went to swap out with my sister so she could get some rest. It ended up being us swaping out every other night, I would even shower there and go to work which was so close.
Then the doctor says she wants to send us home to do chemo just to get any outliers and be thorough and then see her back and possibly do surgery. This was great news. Well... chemo, not ideal but we will take it.
Mom did chemo at UAB and that meant the WHOLE family stayed with me in my 2 bedroom, 1 bath apartment (along with the 4 dogs). Do you feel cramped by that statement? Well it got cramped, but we managed. I set up my guest room just for mom and dad and my sister and brother in law took my bedroom and I took the couch. A family that loves can do whatever it takes. However it came to a point where dad and my bro in law had to go back to take care of things at home. So we or shall I say they alternated. Mostly it was me and my sister with her. I would go to work, they would go to chemo, I would have amazing friends bring dinner to us, whom I am forever grateful for.
AND THEN chemo starts to work and it isn't pretty. We spent several nights rushing to the ER which then led to a week long hospital stay. Her main issue with chemo was nausea. We could not stop it. No medicine could stop it and that led to her being afraid to eat which led us to the hospital just for fluids one time, and I had to watch my mom get strapped into a stretcher for the ambulance to go to the main campus at UAB. Following an ambulance with your mom in it (at this point I had just turned 30). Following an ambulance with a loved one in it and they won't let u ride is HARD!
So we got in the routine of chemo. She would come up every 2 weeks for one day of chemo, but she rarely went home. As I just said, when it started working, it landed us in the ER about the 3rd day after chemo and she was never really able to go home much because she was so sick.
I vividly remember my sister and I making 2 trips just us, which I must say was hard. One was for mom being so sick and of course it was the weekend so we had to go to UAB ER, that was an interesting night. Its even harder sitting next to your mom who feels so bad. But I knew how to pack a bag quickly by now, I knew what she would need and I as well packed for me or my sister and we would take 2 cars. This particular night we went in at 7 pm and she got a room at 2 am. I am not exagerating. So after I saw she was in a room getting help FINALLY, then I went home and got a few hours of sleep and went to work and after work went to swap out with my sister so she could get some rest. It ended up being us swaping out every other night, I would even shower there and go to work which was so close.
The by far scariest call at this moment of our journey came from my sister crying, just us sisters had to endure this together. Mom had a blockage and needed stints asap, which meant surgery. So I left work and I ran from my office to the hospital. Forget the car and parking. I could get to them quicker by running and by knowing exactly where to go. I was afraid but I couldn't have my sister by herself in the waiting room, so I just took off.
I still hate that my last year I never gave up my job and instead spent it with my mom the whole time and also so my sister wouldn't feel so burdened as if she was the only nurse for mom, BUT God has his ways and his plans and mom would not let me quit my job because after all we just knew she was going to be cured.
So seeing that we couldn't do this just us two then my dad came to the rescue.
See you have to understand, my dad has a degree in nursing from UAB (shocked.??.. I know I am sure you are if you didn't know that). He had a hard time seeing her so sick and it made him so sad because, his words "I can't fix her". I can't tell you how hard it was hearing that, it broke my heart. He was carrying a heavy burden that we didn't know about but he came to the rescue and his nursing skills were put to use....
And let's just say chemo was horrible, my mom told me she was ready to go be with God and I had to fight through tears so she wouldn't see me cry and to tell her "I still need you, I'm not done growing up".
There will be more ugly and sad posts like this but this was a hard one to relive. And I'm fortunate to get it out of me to tell you, because the grief is not gone by far. As I stated posts ago I am not living any sort of ideal life. But it's my story to tell that God gave me and I feel I must do something with it.
I'm so glad your not in pain anymore My Beautiful July 7, I miss you everyday!
With Love,
HH
Even though you cannot fathom feeling better one day, it's ok. When the time comes, and it will, you will have this to look back on and it will mark your progress. Meanwhile, writing this is so huge in the grieving process. I am proud of you for tackling this. Love, Fran
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